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How to Talk Like a Scorpion
by Hamaki
Greetings! My name is NOT Hamaki. I am in fact a bona fide Scorpion Clan Courtier, as you can see by my mask and irritating attitude. My name is in fact Shosuro...Hamaki.
Right. Now, I know why you're all here. You want to know how to talk the lingo real good like a proper Scorpo, no? Fear not, barely-human rabble! I can teach you! Now, we all know that every Scorpion, EVERY SINGLE ONE, from Yojiro down to Yogo Archibald who scrubs the stairs at Shiro no Poisoned Darts is a MASTER MANIPULATOR of the Human Psyche. How did this come to pass? I shall tell you: They are all taught a very specific method of doing so from a manual. If this manual were to fall into the wrong hands, it would be disaster for the Scorpion Clan! Only last week, using its SECRET METHODS, I was able to leave Yojiro himself talking to an extremely small tomato plant while disguising himself as a scary clown. You see now why it must fall into the wrong hands. To let it do so would be Naughty.
Step One
Step one is the most important step. POISE. Poise is all-important for Scorpions, even more so than Cranes! A quick consultation with your reference materials (every card ever featuring a scorpion)reveals, does it not, the following:
- All Scorpions wear Masks.
- All Scorpions are Forever Touching Their Chins.
- All Scorpions, despite being Masked (see above) Talk Behind Fans.
- All Scorpions are complacent when faced with Angry Enemies, because they know their manipulations will ensure they are [A] Safe, and not [B] dead in painful but deserved circumstances.
- All Scorpions Lean Slightly For Some Reason.
- All Scorpions bear a Smug Countenance, even when circumstance dictates they should not.
Behold these lessons and learn them well! Procure a Lacy Silver Gauze Mask that looks revolting to any discerning person, and you are well on your way to becoming CUNNING.
Step Two
The second part is trickier, and is entirely about how to hold your fan. It's important, but we can gloss over it here, I think.
Step Three
The third part is pivotal to the success of the operation. Now, have you gargled? Done your breathing exercises? Good! For now, my strangely disquieting crowd, you will learn the way of the Scorpo-talk!
The Premise: You have damning information on Hida Boshazu, an 8ft. high, ill-tempered death machine. You wish to put the wind up him to no real effect.
Straight Talk: "Evening, Boshazu. I heard about you eating those three Hiruma scouts last week. You really shouldn't do that sort of thing."
Consequence: Eaten by Boshazu in Court. Do not ask me why the Crab send a berserker to court. They would never do that in real life, that would be silly.
They have?
This matter aside, we can see that straight talk gets us nowhere, and simple inference would earn no points with an oik like Boshazu. So we must talk like a Scorpo.
Examples
Our foray begins with the following: A pleasant introduction in an oily-smooth manner. You may wish to pause during the introduction, but BE CAREFUL! One can only pause so many times, and pausing is the MEAT of the Scorpion.
For Example, finding Boshazu in the Rose Garden: "A fine evening, Boshazu-san [always use the phrase san or sama, even if the rest of your sentence, as here, is in English]. I should imagine you find your time here wasted when you could be on the wall, yes?"
Next, our aspiring Scorp will lavish praise on the Empire for no reason. Do not stare directly into the Sun! You will sneeze. This step serves to confuse your prey.For example: "Ah, Boshazu. Is not the Celestial Order magnificent, and is not the Emperor who appointed your Clan to guard us from the nightmares beyond the wall truly the source of all benevolence?"
[NOTE: You may want to spin this out a bit, depending on how much time you have to fill.]Now, our prey confused and ready, we IMPLY nothing whatsoever, as far as he knows. As we are on the third segment, a pause is legitimate. See how it is used.
For example: "It is said that you are one of the finest warriors of your clan, Boshazu-san [Note almost constant use of target's name].I heard you were unable to save those Scouts who ventured over the Wall with you last. How...tragic."
Now, the chase is on! Next we threaten to draw attention to his weird Hiruma-eating habit.
See:"Perhaps if we, your fellows in the Scorpion, were to offer a small gift to the Daimyo of the Hiruma to mourn this tragic loss?"
The sentence is left hanging. Now, our foe on the ropes, we have but one thing left to do: Convince him to do our bidding!
Watch and learn: "Do my bidding, worm, or I shall slay you deader than a rock!"
Hang on, that didn't work. Again: "I hear that Doji Ponciko is arriving at Court next week. Perhaps you can tell her of this terrible tragedy. Good night, Boshazu-san. May your sleep be untroubled."
Now it is acceptable to bow and smile smugly. Incredibly smugly. If you are wearing a mask that covers your mouth, walk smugly so they know you're smug.
Homework
Moto Hong has been seen by your agents dressing his horse as Toturi Tsudao. Should you think to broach this subject with him willy-nilly, remember: Hong has more traits than any other Samurai, ever. Beware! The Scorpion have asked you to get Hong to dress the Khan's horse as another horse and smuggle it to Ryoko Owari. Let us see your monologue of blackmail.
Next week: How to prattle on and on and on and on about duty, sacrifice and saving the Empire.Hamaki
Dragon Clan Traitor: Naughty
